Or how about the governor of New Jersey? Mr. Christie denies that he had anything to do with it, but that's just another perk, known well to kings, mafiosos and mayors everywhere. "Will no one rid me of this turbulent priest," asked Henry II, in 1170. A short while later, the archbishop of Canterbury was dead. "What can we do about these jerks in Fort Lee," Chris Christie might have asked? Before he knew it, the traffic over the George Washington Bridge was hopelessly snarled.
If elected, we will intend to pose a few questions of our own. "What do you mean, no one has audited Tom Friedman's tax return? Why did the Nobel Committee give Paul Krugman's a prize; can't it be taken back? Will no one rid the nation of these zombie banks?"
And that's just for starters.
When we look overseas, public service looks even more attractive. Bill Clinton had his student intern. Arnold Schwarzenegger had his housekeeper. But they were tawdry and lame compared to what a European office holder pulls off. How about president of Italy, for example? For years, Berlusconi held his famous 'bunga bunga' parties, with teenage hookers such as 'Ruby Heart Stealer.' He didn't have to lie about never having 'sex with that woman.' He didn't have to issue a public apology. He could just enjoy the perks of office that were available to him.
But our favorite is Francois Hollande.
We lived among the french for 15 years, at least. (We stopped the clock when the French IRS audited us.) We learned their language and their ways. One thing we learned was we couldn't do a worse job of running the country than Francois Hollande.
You have to give the man credit, though. He is smart. He can be charming and witty. But in matters economic, he has nothing to guide him other than crack-pot Keynesian theories and empty jingoes of France's socialist elite.
That is why Paul Krugman was so cheesed off when he read the paper last week. He discovered that Hollande had tacked to the right. Hollande noted that France's focus on the demand side hadn't worked out so well. France's unemployment rate, for example, is twice as high as its next door neighbor, Germany. France's debt has just been downgraded by S&P. And anyone who has tried to start a business in France, as we have, would rather not to it again. If you fail, they punish you with taxes, administration headaches and "gotcha" union contracts. If you succeed, on the other hand, they reward you with taxes, administration headaches and gotcha union contracts. That doesn't stop France's well-educated and dynamic entrepreneurs, though. They still start up new businesses - in Britain and America!
Krugman thought it was a 'scandal' that Hollande was abandoning his claptrap principles. But our old friend, Michel, on the scene in Normandy, reports that the whole thing is not so much scandalous as fraudulent. "There is no real shift to the right," he tells us. "Instead, Hollande is just doing what he always does...throwing a bone to some of his friends in big business...without undertaking any really major reforms."
What we admire about Hollande, however, is his priorities. While all this is going on, the president of the Fifth Republique and leader of Europe's second largest economy still finds time to get away on his scooter. He leaves the Elysee Palace, and his "First Lady" in the "madame wing", to sneak off to spend some quality time with Julie Gayet, a beautiful actress. This left said 'first lady,' Valerie Treirweiler, otherwise known as the 'Rottweiler,' so shaken and humiliated that she had to be checked into a hospital, where she still was as of yesterday.
The voters would be appalled in America. The tabloids in Britain would go mad. The electorate in Germany would be dumbfounded. But in France, no one seems to care.
And that is why we are preparing a bid to become the next president of France. If the presidency of France can turn Francois Hollande into an attractive man, it must be the most powerful aphrodisiac ever found. True, the next election is not for a couple years. And true, too, that we will probably not get a place on the ballot. But we will count on you, dear reader. We need your "write in" vote to put us over the top.
Confident of your support, we'll begin saving our money to buy a scooter.
Bill Bonner is the President & Founder of Agora Inc, an international publisher of financial and special interest books and newsletters.