The Great Leader Has Won the Cow-Teller Award and Now Wants a Case Study - Vivek Kaul's Diary
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The Great Leader Has Won the Cow-Teller Award and Now Wants a Case Study

Jan 17, 2019

Vivek Kaul

(This is a spoof).

Somewhere above the Lok Kalyan Marg Metro station in Delhi:

The Great Leader has won the first Cow-Teller Award and is very happy about it. He is sitting alone in his room and writing a Letter to Prof Cow-Teller.

Dear Professor Cow-Teller,

First and foremost a huge thank you, for honouring me with this award.

Let me tell you at the very beginning what I really liked about it. You had no jury to decide. You were the judge. Final. You decided bus isko dena hai and you gave it.

I really liked that. This is the perfect example of my Gujarat model. I know. I know. While you are the professor, I also happen to have a model.

Also, once I decide I need to give someone something, phir to main apne aap ki bhi nahi sunta. Look at what I did with Raphael fighter jets. Quick decision making is my forte. These intellectuals just sit and talk. On everything they say, on the other hand, and make things difficult.

In my younger years I studied at the Shishu Mandir and then studied entire political science, but I have always been interested in the subject of marketing.

While, I did not go to Harvard to get my MBA, I did a lot of Hard-Work (he he, hope you get the pun! I really love making this one) to study marketing on my own. Your book Cow-Teller on Marketing is my go to book on the subject.

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And I love the 4Ps of Marketing (Product, Price, Promotion, Place) which you and your book popularised, even though another academic came up with it. I know. I know. You didn't come up with it originally. You just marketed it better. Like I always do.

It takes a great man to recognise the potential of another man's idea and then run with it.

Have you ever heard of the Muddrraahh scheme?

As my friend Salim bhai of Sholay fame, once said, the creativity always is in hiding the source. In that sense, you are my brother from another mother, or as we say it in India, my bhai from another aai.

Come on let me give you a jadoo ki jhappi. Ah, okay, okay, I keep breaking into these Indian terms. I meant a hug. I love giving hugs. I gave one to President Donald as well even though my 56-inch chest and his 56-inch tummy (or was it his toupee I wonder) came in the way. I would have loved to give him another one, but he refused to come for the Republic Day; busy as he is building the Wall.

Getting back to the 4Ps of marketing, I had a request. I want you to teach your students this concept of marketing with me as a case study. Let me share some details with you.

Product: I am the product for my political party's marketing. I am there everywhere. On billboards. In newspaper and TV ads. On Twitter. On Facebook. On LinkedIn. Everywhere. Even when I am talking to the nation on Jann ki Baat, I am alone. The focus is on me.

There are no brand-extensions. Or line-extensions for that matter. Okay, the Sangh has foisted that Bisth fellow on me. But he is a weak line-extension. Like I have the Gujarat Model, he doesn't have anything like the UP Model.

Promotion: Promotion of anything is very important, irrespective of whether it has been done or not, or will be done or not. In politics, it is more important to be seen to be doing things and create an impression that things are happening than actually doing them. This has worked very well for me. In fact, even that kid from the Congress Party has now started borrowing this idea.

Place: One thing that I really believe in is that I will go to any place as far as it helps me marketing myself. Like the day before yesterday, I was in the state of Kerala. And I went there to inaugurate a 13 km long road. Some people asked me, bus, that's it? You travelled all the way to Kerala from Delhi, to inaugurate a 13 km long road?

When it comes to marketing myself, nothing is too big or too small. The show must keep going on. People should wake up every day and get a feeling that the prime minister did something, yesterday as well.

Actually, Professor Cow-Teller, my model is just a 3P Gujarat Model...

****

At that point, the Bureau Chief bursts in.

"Oh, but Parveen Babi was the original Gujarat model," he says. "In her time, like you, she had no competition." He then breaks into a jig, mentally singing, jawaane janeman haseen dilruba.

"Stop this nonsense," the Great Leader shouts. "Sorry Sir," replies the Bureau Chief.

"Good," says the Great Leader.

"But why does your model have only 3Ps?" asks the Bureau Chief, having speed read the Letter lying on the table, as soon as he entered the room. "Do you know which P I have skipped?" "Price.""Do you know who is paying the price for my brand?"

The Bureau Chief did not say anything.

****

The Great Leader goes back and completes the Letter. Dear Professor Cow-Teller, Let me end this Letter here. The nation is waiting for me to get back to work. As you must know, I work 18 hours a day. Once again, thank you for the award. Hope, I get it again next year.

****

(On most days Vivek Kaul makes a living by writing on finance and economics. Occasionally, when he doesn't he understand what is happening in the world around him, he writes satire.)

Regards,

Vivek Kaul
Vivek Kaul
Editor, Vivek Kaul Publishing

PS: Now you can follow Vivek Kaul on Social Media and get Vivek's updates on the critical issues affecting the economy and your wallet... as they happen. Follow Vivek on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+.

Vivek Kaul is the Editor of the Diary. He is the author of the Easy Money trilogy. The books were bestsellers on Amazon. His latest book is India's Big Government - The Intrusive State and How It is Hurting Us.

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16 Responses to "The Great Leader Has Won the Cow-Teller Award and Now Wants a Case Study"

R Tayal

Jan 22, 2019

Dear Vivek, I have commented on your articles earlier also, and while I respect you as an economist, your political slant over last few years has been disgraceful, to sat the least. This piece of yours is neither a spoof nor a satire as you would like to fool your readers, but a piece written in sheer bad taste, unworthy of your calibre as also that of equity Master, especially as Philip Kotler has himself vouched for it. You have stooped to your worst, and I feel saddened for it.

Like 

Ravee

Jan 21, 2019

Kaul, you've been Kind! Although you managed to Find! The Veil that 'veils' the Common Man's Eyes! And, with No Alternative than the Joker, what else he can do, hence just Sighs!

Like 

Gautam Patel

Jan 20, 2019

At first place, I fail to understand why so much cynicism & politics is allowed on an investment related platform like EM whose primarily job is to impart pure investment related knowledge to us investors. It also baffles me why an ethical & thoroughly professional organization like EM tolerates such individuals who don't understand that their primary job here is to keep us investors updated about developments in the field of economics and 'not politics'. We are having Rajdeep Sardesai & plenty of others just few clicks away for that whenever we wish. One can understand that everyone happens to have some sort of liking/ disliking towards different ideologies or persons in a democracy. But as a professional, you are expected to keep such prejudices within yourself & not allow these prejudices to influence your professional job. Mr Modi may win the elections, Mr Modi may not win the elections. In any case world is not going to stop. There is much much more in the world than Mr Modi. My advice to you is simply get rid of your Modi centric attitude if you can or take some professional help to help you get out. That would certainly benifit us readers in a big way. Regards.

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R Balasubramanian

Jan 19, 2019

If Philip Kotler has no problem in endorsing our PM, whats your problem? May be you can give VK award to some one you fancy.

Like (1)

Umeshchandra

Jan 18, 2019

Vivek writes in style that takes one along, but all knowing type and generally will have a view, but poorly researched and most times appear to lack balance. "when he doesn't he understand what is happening in the world around him, he writes satire" and that's most days!

Like (1)

Shridharan

Jan 18, 2019

The write up though you have clearly mentioned as a spoof is written in real bad taste. I have been following your writing for last several years and i have always found you have an ability to spot a problem and also discuss solutions in some cases. I always wonder why we as Indians always love to pull down another. The Modi government has to be seen in totality rather than in micro,individual steps. Let me tell you after several meetings with people across the country i have realised that the survival instinct of people is making a large number of people stand up and protest against this government. I am surprised people have no sense of what Modi has acheived /attempted to acheive in the last 5 years.

Like (1)

Appan

Jan 18, 2019

Great....Keep writing strong.....

Like (1)

raja

Jan 18, 2019

from when onwards you are leaning towards leftist goons.

Like (1)

s.k.limaye

Jan 17, 2019

Really liked this one . Mr. Kaul please keep writing such pieces in between for our amusement . Thanks a lot.

Like (2)

Shalini Hadkar

Jan 17, 2019

This sums up the personality covered herein.

Like (1)
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