My neighbour doesn't flush after pooping...

I quickly run across the corridor and steal my neighbour's newspaper as usual hoping to catch a good headline or two... yeah, I know you are thinking that I am a cheap no-good loser... well that makes two of us.

But then how am I supposed to pay for a newspaper when all my daily expenses are tied into my investment in lemons!

Yep, lemons- like yesterday when I asked my housekeeper to give me a glass of lemon water and she immediately asked for a salary raise saying that if I have so much money then why do I still wear my grandfather's old boxers.

I tell her to mind her own business at which point she threatens to tell my wife that I drink in the mornings when she is at work... which immediately gets me to back off as I don't want to share my stash with that old hag.

"Covid Booster Price Slashed to Rs 225" screams the headline of the newspaper making it sound like manufacturers want to offer vaccines to people at a reasonable price voluntarily- which makes me laugh out loud as apparently over 7 million excess doses lie around with private hospitals in the state since months nearing their expiry date.

As I creep slowly towards my house, Mrs. Daruwala from the house below mine calls out to me yet again. I hate that old lady, always saying wicked things like good morning and asking me how my day is.

I reluctantly go over and she asks me to come in and taste her infamous Eggs Benedict which I quickly wolf down leaving nothing for her 8-year-old grandchild who looks at me like I am a filthy scavenger which is really uncalled for as I did leave half a slice of bread for him which makes me question this ungrateful young generation.

And as I am washing my hands on my way out, I happen to notice that there is a massive pile of fresh poo in the commode just sitting there which makes me want to vomit but I realise that this may be the only meal I have today as I have to fill petrol in my bike as well.

I turn around to see Mrs Daruwala staring at me and I ask her why not flush that nasty crap down to which she gets angry and starts shouting at me saying that we must support the government's efforts towards green energy and save our resources.

And then she goes on to tell me how by the year 2030, India would have saved billions of dollars in fuel expenses which would reduce our trade deficit significantly all thanks to green energy.

I start to tell her that there is nothing green about that stinky stuff lying in there but then I realise that the old bat may be colourblind and I do have to pretend to be nice if I want to come back for my evening tea.

As I reach office, my wife calls me up asking how my day is which immediately makes me suspicious and suddenly realise that all of last month my family was really nice to me.

Obviously, this is abnormal but then I remember that this coincides with my purchase of defence stocks which have zoomed to yearly highs and I might actually now be able to pay off the loan I took out for buying that fish tank last year as I already ate the fish.

And suddenly I start feeling good about myself and it makes me think that "I gotta buy more high-quality stocks and get away from Mrs Daruwala and her unflushed brown resources! And get away from my wife and kid, too, now that I think about it!"

Which makes me remember a report I read about how India could become a global auto parts manufacturing hub thanks to Russia's invasion of Ukraine.

With revenues expected to grow at 15% in 2022 for Indian auto components industry, it looks like a good time to look at stocks catering to this sector. Wow, this investing stuff is so easy.

Anyway, if you have read this far then you may already be aware that good quality stocks have been the place to be over the last few years, what with returns on debt investments not even covering the cost of the last rites of my pet cockroach, God bless her soul.

And it's not just me who believes that. My good friend, Rakesh Jhunjhunwala also believes that IT, metals and infra stocks are the place to be. Of course, he doesn't know that he is my good friend but does that really matter?

TCS, the country's largest software exporter posted an increase of 7.4% in net profit for the quarter ended March 2022 and along the way snagged a record deal order book of $11.3 billion.

Now I don't know if I am easily impressed just because I am poor but that looks like a good solid result, right?

But surprisingly, the market pooh-poohed the results as some dumb ass analysts are worried about wage cost inflation that could impact margins in the coming quarters... like there are many sectors doing better than IT!

Except of course if you see the stock of ITC recently. The stock that languished at Rs 200 levels for the last 5 years has finally zoomed over 30% in just two months. Apparently, those no good teetotaling morons finally realised that ESG investing is like exercise bikes... they get you nowhere.

And with a revival in the hotels and stationery business along with a boost to its Agri exports, particularly of wheat due to the Russia Ukraine conflict, I'd say it's a good time to buy a pack of Gold Flakes and light up while you watch this stock zoom to new heights.

While on the subject of Russia, did you know- some Indian retailers are looking at opening shops in Russia. Since the flight of global brands, Russian malls have been exploring possibilities of bringing brands from India, China, Iran and Turkey as hundreds of franchisee stores have lost their business amid the western sanctions against Russia.

And if we move away from stocks then with RBI's renewed focus on inflation, (and I wonder what they were focused on till now considering a dozen lemons and a litre of petrol both cost the same these days), going forward- it may be a good time to start looking at debt funds.

The benchmark 10-year yield rose to 7.12%, its highest level in almost 3 years and it is expected to continue rising to at least 7.50% this year. Investors could look to lock in funds at higher yields in the near future.

But back to stocks- a retailer friend of mine (this one knows my name... I hope) tells me that leasing across high street locations and malls is likely to soar past pre-Covid levels this year. I quickly calculate how much money I can raise from selling my daughters school books and invest in real estate stocks... Hahaha I am gonna be rich.

And finally- Fidelity, the US financial services company has devised a formula to know how much money one needs to retire. Funny because I thought that the only formula that US people have for retirement is buying a lottery and hoping to win.

Anyway, coming back to retirement- it's simple, isn't it? Buy good quality stocks, stay invested and watch your money grow...

Disclaimer: This article is for information purposes only. It is not a stock recommendation and should not be treated as such. Learn more about our recommendation services here...